Hanging out in China
Chinese people don’t hang out. There is no word for “hang out” in Chinese, instead there are just the all encompassing “meet”(见) and “play”(玩). When people in China meet other people, they usually do so through an activity. It’s extremely rare for a plan to spontaneously come together and unfold. Planning usually happens days in advance, beyond the occasional ”let’s have lunch” or “let’s go shopping”.
This has taken me a long time to figure out. I have lots of Chinese friends, but our relationships are a bit different from the relationships I have with my friends back in the US. For a long time this left me feeling lonely and wondering: why won’t anyone hang out with me? Why was it that after all of that time, the people I was closest to in China were still westerners?
Then it came to me. The problem wasn’t that they didn’t want to hang out with me, it was that I was placing expectations on them based on my American values. The truth is: Chinese people just don’t “hang out” like we do in the US.
Americans hang out
Americans value freedom and thus love spontaneity. Hanging out is one way that we express this. Hanging out just means getting together without a plan; it emphasizes the meeting rather than the activity. Sometimes we will just show up at a friend’s house without warning. This is common, accepted, and a part of what makes us Americans: our culture I guess. We love going with the flow.
Americans will get together on the fly for dinner, and then transition into other activities. Americans don’t mind if strangers are included; meeting new people is a part of the fun. Americans don’t like plans that are set in stone as it takes away possibilities. Americans love possibilities and imagining. Hanging out is a crystallization of that.
Americans are also very individualistic. Hanging out is perfect for groups of individuals, as too much structure cramps individuality. Americans love the type of party where there is only a location and a general time set-up – they can come and go as they please, and at the party they can do whatever they feel like doing.
Honestly, I can’t speak for people from other cultures, but I’m pretty sure that most western cultures are very similar in this regard. I have had plenty of interaction with Latinos, Germans, and French, and so far all of them have been similar in some respect; although Germans do seem a little more structured.
Chinese get together through planned, controlled activities
Chinese people prefer planned activities to spontaneous ones. People can be spontaneous here, but it is rare; even students aren’t very spontaneous. Chinese people prefer to stay in control and know what to expect. If you try to spontaneously get a group of friends together for a dinner the same night, you are not likely to have much success.
Instead, Chinese parties are often planned far in advance and focus heavily on a structure that either gets everyone interacting, or can be enjoyed without much effort on the participants part. Chinese activities also focus heavily on complete group activity.
Chinese people tend to stick to the tried-and-true plans:
Top 3 Chinese Get-Togethers:
Dinner
Karaoke (KTV for short, K歌 in Chinese)
Bar/Club (Younger generation) – a far 3rd
Dinner and Karaoke are very structured and straight forward. Everyone has to eat, and eating is a HUGE part of Chinese culture (and one of my favorite things about China). For Karaoke, the environment is extremely controlled – there is a room that you can book – and it’s fairly easy for someone to participate by simply singing or playing dice games. Everyone knows what to expect. Karaoke’s are all over the place (I love the singing culture actually), which makes it even more likely to be a favorite. Compare that to the Karaoke in the US that is done publicly – the differences are black and white.
Bars and Clubs are growing in popularity with the younger generations, but even then the differences are immense. Chinese clubs have more tables than dance floor space – as Chinese people prefer to have that controlled area that they can always come back to. Americans would say that it’s nice to have a table too, but it’s not necessary. I have never been to a Chinese get-together where a table or a room was not booked.
There are almost no house parties in China. This has less to do with culture than it does with economics in my opinion, as Chinese people in general do not have places large enough to host lots of guests, and Chinese apartments are traditionally built with large bedrooms and small living rooms (or even without a living room). Hosting someone at your house for dinner is a very special event and is not done casually. Instead, we always meet outside.
Board games are actually growing in popularity, and I can see why; they fit in with what Chinese people are used to – group activity that is very structured. Lots of little places to play board games have popped up all over the city.
Chinese people are not comfortable around strangers
This may be true as well with other Asian countries. In general, the more relaxed you want your Chinese friends to feel, the fewer strangers you should invite (at first). Friendship in China takes time to build, and people take time to warm up to each other.
I’ve had varying success with parties in my years in China. I’ve never had one centralized group of friends, even in the US, so activities that I organize usually include a lot of introductions. Even in America the groups don’t always mix very well, but in China they often just shut down (although not always). I made this mistake a few days ago when I invited 20 people for dinner + KTV. During both dinner and KTV, there were obvious groups of bored and uncomfortable people. Even when sitting around the same table, people that didn’t know each other didn’t get acquainted. In hindsight, it would have been better instead to only invite 10 people, or hold separate parties on different days.
This does not mean that they won’t warm up to you or that they don’t know how to have a good time. Chinese people are actually very lively and love making friends; it is the invisible social pressures that keep them from warming up quickly. One or two strangers won’t keep them from having a good time, but 10 will. 10 feels out of control, while 1 or 2 is still manageable. Then again, there are people all over the world like this, it’s just a lot more common in China.
Within smaller groups, and especially within groups that have known each other for a while (usually it only takes a few weeks), I feel that Chinese people can be even more friendly than Americans. I’ll talk about this another time though, as it gets into the more complicated aspects of Chinese society. For a start you could check out my post about trust in Chinese society.
They don’t get together often
This was probably the biggest difference between China and America: people just don’t get together that often. Meeting friends only once a month, outside of special occasions, is very common. I’m used to getting together with my friends multiple times a week, but most people here simply don’t do that. Chinese people live slower and simpler lifestyles; there isn’t so much “doing”. They are used to spending the majority of their time at work and then with their significant other, or studying if they are in school.
This is due to quite a few reasons, but I think the major ones are money, up-bringing/education system, and job related stress.
Money: China is not a rich country. Most people don’t make enough money to go out often. When Chinese people go out they go big, and also the bill is usually paid by one person. Whoever makes the plans, pays the bill (although this isn’t always true).
Up-bringing/education system: Chinese people have been taught to focus all of their energy on studying. They weren’t raised with the idea that other hobbies are good for you. Only studying is good. Activities with friends take away from study time, so too much is seen as bad. I have to agree that if you want to get into a good university (which is really important in China for getting a good job), you need to spend the bulk of your childhood studying. The Chinese college entrance exam is just RIDICULOUS. Let’s just say if we had the same standards in the US, I doubt more than 1% of the population would be able to pass the exam (not that we would want the same standards). Extra-curricular activities do not give you bonus points.
If you’re brought up only meeting friends once a week, then most likely when you get older it will be similar. It’s hard to break routines, especially routines that we grow up with.
Work: Working in China is stressful, but not necessarily for the reasons you would expect. Employees aren’t actually forced to be very productive. Instead there is the relationship stress that comes with work. Relationships between Chinese people are extremely complicated, and your career depends largely on these relationships (not necessarily how well work in your job). Chinese workers also are forced to work overtime quite often. The stress at work keeps people from going out.
This is just a dabble into the real truth behind the scene. There is far too much to go into for just one post.
Last Words:
There is no right or wrong; what is, is. I’ve learned to accept and enjoy this type of interaction – just keep it familiar and keep it structured.
This is not all-encompassing:
The above are simply trends that I have found in my time in China, but of course there are exceptions to everything. Not all Chinese people prefer planned activities, and not all Americans like to be spontaneous. Every society is made up of individuals, so keep that in mind when you read anything about culture. Meeting each person is going to be a new experience, and not all of the things that you read about will apply. Also, my experience has been in Beijing. There might be slight differences in other cities or or smaller areas.
I do have some Chinese friends that are very out-going, love meeting new people, and feel extremely comfortable in less-structured scenarios. Most Chinese people actually like doing new interesting things as well – you just have to plan it well. You can still plan skiing trips, bowling, lazer tag, etc (although these activities aren’t very popular or widespread). People here still do things, just not as often and not as spontaneous.
Take this information with a grain of salt. People change. Cultures change. Try to change with them.
Any comments? For those of you in China, have you experienced the same thing? How about the Chinese readers – what do you think?
Related posts:
- Restroom Observations in China
- 10 Reasons Why Eating Vegan in China is NOT Easy
- Western Holidays + Birthdays in China From an American Perspective
- Tips for Celebrating the Chinese New Year in China
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http://beyondbounds.org/ Jason Sharp
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